New Year, New Beginnings

It's 2015. I can finally say goodbye to 2014 and welcome 2015 with open arms. I can leave so much behind but carry so much with me into the new year. I'm a writer, always have been. But it has taken me this long to start writing again. I have two children and a fiancee, a family, but that shouldn't hold me back from the things I enjoy and want to pursue. Here goes nothing.
The past year(s) have brought so much pain, heartache, loneliness, feelings of uncertainty. Mostly pertaining to my son. I could write forever about Noah. He's that special boy in my life and I would be lost without him. In October of 2014 we were at his two year check up. That's when everything changed. "I'm diagnosing Noah with childhood apraxia of speech." That's what his doctor said. My son has am actual diagnosis. I'm unsure why hearing that word changed so much for me, but it did. We've been going speech therapy, developmental therapy and occupational therapy for months, since this past summer to be exact. I was so used to doctors and appointments, new words, research, etc. It took his doctor making it official for me to stop breathing for a split second and realize just how special my baby boy is. Noah has sleep apnea, asthma and now Apraxia. He goes next month to do an autism evaluation. We go to six therapies through the week. One every day, except Thursdays, that's our double day. I like to refer to it as my crazy day. My lose my mind day. It's hard. All of it, everyday, is so hard. Day after day, month after month, so many therapies and therapists, and no change. But when Noah signs something to me, like....."more please," or recently, "thank you," it melts my heart. So sweet, yet so heartbreaking.
I'm sure no one knows what Apraxia is. Let me explain. Apraxia is that terrible childhood disorder that's neurological. Your brain tells your mouth when to open and speak. When you have Apraxia, your mouth doesn't get the memo to open up and talk. So no matter how hard Noah tries, all he gets out is the same sound/noise. All because there's an annoying, stupid roadblock in between his brain and mouth.. Oh how I wish I could destroy that roadblock. There's no cure. There's no tests. Nothing. It's just therapy after therapy, day after day for months, or possibly years. Sometimes the outcome isn't good. Sometimes an Apraxic child never talks.
The frustrations are aggravating. It's not his fault. It's no ones fault. I spend most nights staying up researching what I can do, what I could have done, what the future looks like for him, for us.
While it's taken me so long to accept the diagnosis, and I use the word accept very lightly because I don't know if I fully have accepted it, at the same time, I keep telling myself God's got this. I've read so many quotes, but that one keeps me surviving. It keeps me breathing. It helps. If any one of you are going through a hard time, know that it's all in God's hands. He's got this. He always will.
I start this year with so much happiness as well as being much more positive than I have been recently. My kids need me, no matter what diagnosis they have. I'm their biggest advocate.